nervous

Now that I'm certain that I'm going to Paredes de Coura I'm starting to feel really anxious.
I wanted to go for years and this is the year that I'll finally be able to.
But now the axiety starts: "what if I don't like?", " what if I'll just be so unconfortable that I want enjoy it at all?", "I'm not rich and I really could use the many, is it worth it?"
I was so certain of it but now... now I'm just full of doubts.

I was never the type of person that reveals my feelings. If I ever show them trully to you either you are really special or the did something really messed up.
I can say I love you in a fraction of seconds, I've said them to a lot of people, some of them with feelings envolved, but did I ever really loved them? I sometimes try to convence myself that I feel something, that I'm hurt, that I loved passionatly, that I miss and I cry for someone, but very few times are those true. I fake because I want to feel them, I want to be hurt, to love and be loved.
I've said them trully to my family, of course, and I thought I meant it to some others, but when I thought about it I realise things weren't that clear.
sometimes I really think I'm heartless

what it makes me feel

the worst part for me was how to handle after de anxiety atack. how to handle people looking at me, and telling me do this or don't do that, or telling me that to stop being so weak, my problems weren't nothing I just needed to stop being such a child.
And I always thought, why am I so weak? why can everybody else handle their life and I'm just here, stuck between the present, the past and the future unable to make decisions, unable to deal with my life. I started to cry at every thing, everything is scaring to me,how can I mmove on if i don't know the direction? why am I not like everybody else? why do I have to ruin it for everyone else? being it a good moment, a trip, a party.. I'm pretty sure i've ruined good moments for everyone closed to me, making them worried or just frustated, and they try to stop it the best way they can, they try give me advices, butthey don't know what this is, even I don't understand this.