nervous

Now that I'm certain that I'm going to Paredes de Coura I'm starting to feel really anxious.
I wanted to go for years and this is the year that I'll finally be able to.
But now the axiety starts: "what if I don't like?", " what if I'll just be so unconfortable that I want enjoy it at all?", "I'm not rich and I really could use the many, is it worth it?"
I was so certain of it but now... now I'm just full of doubts.

I was never the type of person that reveals my feelings. If I ever show them trully to you either you are really special or the did something really messed up.
I can say I love you in a fraction of seconds, I've said them to a lot of people, some of them with feelings envolved, but did I ever really loved them? I sometimes try to convence myself that I feel something, that I'm hurt, that I loved passionatly, that I miss and I cry for someone, but very few times are those true. I fake because I want to feel them, I want to be hurt, to love and be loved.
I've said them trully to my family, of course, and I thought I meant it to some others, but when I thought about it I realise things weren't that clear.
sometimes I really think I'm heartless

what it makes me feel

the worst part for me was how to handle after de anxiety atack. how to handle people looking at me, and telling me do this or don't do that, or telling me that to stop being so weak, my problems weren't nothing I just needed to stop being such a child.
And I always thought, why am I so weak? why can everybody else handle their life and I'm just here, stuck between the present, the past and the future unable to make decisions, unable to deal with my life. I started to cry at every thing, everything is scaring to me,how can I mmove on if i don't know the direction? why am I not like everybody else? why do I have to ruin it for everyone else? being it a good moment, a trip, a party.. I'm pretty sure i've ruined good moments for everyone closed to me, making them worried or just frustated, and they try to stop it the best way they can, they try give me advices, butthey don't know what this is, even I don't understand this.

about panic atacks

it feels like I can barely breath, I'm no longer myself, i can't control my body and every cell is afraid of something that i don't know what it is. I can't think, I want to run but I can. I'm in a jail of my own body that is not longer mine.
When I'm having a panic atack i'm not myself, I'm a stranger version of my soul that's terrified of everything, that reacts to everything but can control nothing. I can't think straigh, I can't think at all, it's all emotions at the same time and I don't know wich one to feel.

sunday sound #1

latelly, Jeff Bucley as been a regular presence on my earphones so it's fair enough that he's my number 1 sunday sound as well as my first blog post.
Grace is my choice for today, but could have been anyone of the amazing Jeff Buckey songs. I just find something really special about his way of singing, something disturbing but at the same time calming. he has this deep, perturbing voice that just make every single emotion that you try to hide show up in your skin.
The one thing I would change about Jeff Buckley's songs is that I wish I could have more of them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3adFWKE9JE